The Joke Thread

[bevo1981]

what's great about twenty seven year-olds? there's 20 of them.

How do you make a dead baby float?
Two scoops of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby.

What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
A baby in a microwave.

What's worse than finding 7 dead babies in 1 trash can?
Finding 1 dead baby in 7 trash cans.

What's the safest way to play with a baby ?
With a condom.

that should up the creep factor on this thread

[XabiTorres]

1. What is funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume.
2. What is the difference between a baby and a onion?
No one cries when you chop up the baby.
3. What is the difference between a dead baby and a water melon?
One's fun to hit with a sledge hammer, the other one's a water melon.
4. What is the difference between a baby and a dart-board?
Dart-boards don't bleed.
5. What is the difference between a baby and a mars bar?
About 500 calories.
6. Why did the family take the dead baby along on the cookout?
So they could light it and toast their marshmallows.
7. Why was the dead baby kept in the kitchen drawer?
The family used it to crack nuts.
8. Why do people keep dead babies in the rec. room?
They cut off one leg and use it as a ping pong paddle.
9. Why do you put babies into blenders feet first?
So you can see the expression on their faces.
10. Why do they boil water when a baby is being born?
So that if its born dead they can make soup.
11. Why did the baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.
12. How many babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil?
It depends on how hard you squeeze them.
13. How many babies fit in a blender?
Depends on how powerful the blender is.
14. How do you know when a baby is dead?
It doesn't cry if you nail its feet to the ceiling.
15. How do you find the live baby in a pile of dead ones?
Jab 'em all with a pitchfork.
16. How do you save a drowning baby?
Harpoon it.
17. How do you turn a baby into a dog?
Pour gas over it and light a match. Woof.
18. How do you turn a baby into a cat?
Freeze it solid, then run it through a bandsaw. Meeow.
19. How do you get 100 babies into a bucket?
With a blender.
How do you get them out again?
With Doritos.
20. How do you make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off its head.
or:
A glass of soda water and 2 scoops of baby.
21. What do you call two abortions in a bucket?
Blood brothers.
22. What is red and is creeping up your leg?
An abortion with homesickness.
23. What is a foot long and can make a woman scream?
Stillbirth.
24. What is a foot long, blue, and makes women scream in the morning?
Crib death.
25. What do you call a dead baby pinned to your wall?
Art.
26. What is red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
A baby in a microwave.
27. What is blue and yellow and sits at the bottom of the pool?
Baby with slashed floaties.
28. What is red and yellow and floats at the top of the pool?
Floaties with a slashed baby.
29. What is red and hangs around trees?
A baby hit by a snow blower.
30. What is green and hangs around trees?
Same baby 3 weeks later.
31. What is pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
32. What is pink and goes black with a "hiss."?
A baby thrown into a furnace.
33. What is brown and gurgles?
A baby in a casserole.
34. What is purple, covered in pus, and squeals?
A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
35. What is black and goes up and down?
A baby in a toaster.
36. What is red and hangs out of the back of a train?
A miscarriage.
37. What is red and goes round and round?
A baby in a garbage disposal.
38. What is red and swings back and forth?
A baby on a meat hook.
39. What is red, screams, and goes around in circles?
A baby nailed to the floor.
40. What is red and sits in the corner?
A baby with razor blades.
41. What is blue and sits in the corner?
A baby in a baggie.
42. What is black and sits in a corner?
A baby with it's finger in a power socket.
43. What is green and sits in the corner?
Same baby two weeks later.
44. What is black and charred?
A baby chewing on an extension cord.
45. What is black and white, runs around the room, and smokes?
A baby with his hair on fire.
46. What is blue and flies around the room at high speeds?
A baby with a punctured lung.
47. What is cold, blue and doesn't move?
A baby in your freezer.
48. What is pink, flies and squeals?
A baby fired from a catapult.
What do you call the baby when it lands?
Free pizza.
49. What is red and has more brains than the baby you just shot?
The wall behind it.
50. What is white and glows pink?
A dead baby with an electrode up its ass.
51. What is more fun than nailing a baby to a wall?
Ripping it off again.
52. What is more fun than throwing a baby off the cliff?
Catching it with a pitchfork.
53. What is more fun than swinging babies around on a clothesline?
Stopping them with a shovel.
54. What is more fun than shoveling dead babies off your porch?
Doing it with a snow blower.
55. What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller?
A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler.
56. What bounces up and down at 100mph?
A baby tied to the back of a truck.
57. What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
Twins in an acid bath.
58. What is red and pink and can't turn round in a corridor?
A baby with a javelin through its throat.
59. What is little and can't fit through a door?
A baby with a spear in its head.
60. What is the definition of fun?
Playing fetch with a pitbull and a baby.
61. What has 4 legs and one arm?
A doberman on a children's playground.
62. What has 10 arms and blood all over it?
A pitbull in front of a pile of dead babies.
63. What is red and pink and hanging out of your dog's mouth?
Your baby's leg.
64. What present do you get for a dead baby?
A dead puppy.
65. What is grosser than ten dead babies nailed to a tree?
One dead baby nailed to ten trees.
66. What is worse than a dead baby in a trash can?
100 dead babies in a trash can.
What is worse than that?
There's a live one at the bottom.
What is worse than that?
It eats its way out.
What is worse than that?
It comes back for seconds.
67. Know what's gross?
Running over a baby with a truck.
Know whats worse?
Skidding on it.
Worse than that?
Peeling it off the tires.
68. What is the worst part about killing a baby?
Getting blood on your clown suit.



This thread is sick

[Jacksmith28]

Originally Posted by hollywood21639

What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bricks?

You can't unload the bricks with a pitchfork!!!!

Oh **** I can't stop giggling!

P.S. I have nothing against babies.

EDIT: Torres is the creepiest guy ever!!!

[Blasterpez]

All ya'lls are sick SOBs.

[bevo1981]

you know who i feel sorry for? the Arab-Americans who TRULY have a dream of becoming crop dusters. every time they try to get a pamphlet "I'd like some information on crop dusting and, let me guess, you have to make a phone call."

[Sir Charles]

How do you know when it's Spring time?

- Liverpool's season is over.

[Scotracer]

1) What's the difference between a hard working Irishman and Big Foot?

A: There have actually been sightings of Big Foot

2) What's the difference between a Irishman and a park bench?

A: A park bench can support a family

(Credit goes to Joelio for these)

[Blasterpez]

Originally Posted by Scotracer

1) What's the difference between a hard working Irishman and Big Foot?

A: There have actually been sightings of Big Foot

2) What's the difference between a Irishman and a park bench?

A: A park bench can support a family

(Credit goes to Joelio for these)

It's funny to hear the same jokes from different countries, with their spin on them.

[shane32Eire]

Originally Posted by Scotracer

1) What's the difference between a hard working Irishman and Big Foot?

A: There have actually been sightings of Big Foot

2) What's the difference between a Irishman and a park bench?

A: A park bench can support a family

(Credit goes to Joelio for these)

That doesnt make sense you spastic, the drunk and violent irish jokes work because they play into the stereotype, but the irish are known for being whopper workers, we built ****ing new york and boston, and there are loads of slags the english use against us for building gaffs and laying roads/tarmac. Im pretty sure the lazy stereotype is spanish
/Mexican. Get your damn stereotypes right you retard

[Scotracer]

Originally Posted by shane32Eire

That doesnt make sense you spastic, the drunk and violent irish jokes work because they play into the stereotype, but the irish are known for being whopper workers, we built ****ing new york and boston, and there are loads of slags the english use against us for building gaffs and laying roads/tarmac. Im pretty sure the lazy stereotype is spanish
/Mexican. Get your damn stereotypes right you retard

Don't ***** at me boy, I got the jokes from Joel!

[bevo1981]

surprise surprise. the Irishman can't take any Irish jokes. but you discredit yourself Shane because the only hard work you do is on the upper level of a double decker bus.

[axeman2008]

Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:

Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!

[axeman2008]

Got another one...

A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.

The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."

"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."

"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.

About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"

"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."

[XabiTorres]

Originally Posted by shane32Eire

That doesnt make sense you spastic, the drunk and violent irish jokes work because they play into the stereotype, but the irish are known for being whopper workers, we built ****ing new york and boston, and there are loads of slags the english use against us for building gaffs and laying roads/tarmac. Im pretty sure the lazy stereotype is spanish
/Mexican. Get your damn stereotypes right you retard

Theyre jokes shane,get over it

[IIJoshIII]

Originally Posted by shane32Eire

That doesnt make sense you spastic, the drunk and violent irish jokes work because they play into the stereotype, but the irish are known for being whopper workers, we built ****ing new york and boston, and there are loads of slags the english use against us for building gaffs and laying roads/tarmac. Im pretty sure the lazy stereotype is spanish
/Mexican. Get your damn stereotypes right you retard

The Irish can't work for ****. All they do is sit in pubs and play grab ass.

[Sir Charles]

The only two irish stereotypes is alcoholism and stupidity. Not violence.

Being Welsh the stereotype is sheep shagging, but at least its accurate. I love me sheep.

[shane32Eire]

Originally Posted by IIJoshIII

The Irish can't work for ****

They built your gayass country

[XabiTorres]

Originally Posted by Sir Charles

The only two irish stereotypes is alcoholism and stupidity. Not violence.

Being Welsh the stereotype is sheep shagging

Dont forget youre all pot noodle miners too