The Joke Thread

[Kona Palangi]

A woman asks her man "take me somewhere expensive!" He dropped her ass off at the gas station.

Hillbilly / Redneck pick up lines:

"Baby do you own a chicken farm? Because you sure know how to raise some ****."

[hollywood21639]

Originally Posted by 7thdeadlysin

A man kidnaps a little girl, and takes her through the forest. As it starts to get dark, the little girl turns to the man and says "mister mister, I'm scared it's getting dark out". The man looks down at the little girl and says "You're scared?! I have to walk out of here alone".

[Sir Charles]

Essex girl in a car crash says: 'I think I have concussion'

Paramedic asks: 'How many fingers have I got up?'

She replies: 'Oh my god NOO! My fanny has been paralysed too!'

[Sir Charles]

Guy says to wife: 'Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?'

Wife replies: 'I don't like calling you when you're at work'

[Blasterpez]

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

[XabiTorres]

Chinese man rings his boss. "Me no work, I sick." His boss says, "When I am sick I **** my wife, try that." Two hours later the Chinese man rings back. "Me better, you got nice house!"

What you shouldnt say after s ex:
1) "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."

2) "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"

3) "How come it's so BIG in there?"

4) "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"

5) "Next time I come over, don't bother with the
underwear,...OK?"

6) (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"

7) (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"

8) "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"

9) "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."

10) "Do you know what a 'douche' is?"

11) "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."

12) "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."

13) "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"

14) "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"

15) "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before!"

16) "I've been getting these little blisters lately...."

17) "You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"

18) "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"

[bevo1981]

[Blasterpez]

Who's rick astley? and why would he never lie?

[Jacksmith28]

EDIT: JUST THOUGHT OF A BETTER ONE!

So, a preacher, a doctor and a lawyer are out hunting.
They spot a deer and all fire, but only one shot hits.

The lawyer says "I know it was me, I'm a crack shot."
The preacher says "I'm pretty sure it was my shot."
Doctor says, "Let me go take a look I might be able to tell..."

The doctor says "It had to be the preacher"
Lawyer says, "Get out of here I know it was my shot. How can you tell"

"Well, the bullet went in one ear and right out of the other!"

Not the best but better than the first one :/

***Which I now removed***
Edit:Axeman quoted it

[axeman2008]

Originally Posted by Jacksmith28

So, a blond and a guy just get done with it
Blond says "Oh you don't have aids do you?"
Guy says "No, why would I?"
Blond says "Thank goodness I wouldn't want to get those again!"

I know it's terrible but a terrible contribution is better than none at all... Right?

meh it'll do lol.

[Jacksmith28]

THE BEST JOKE EVER

What is the difference between a Lamborghini and a sack of dead babies?

I DON'T HAVE A LAMBORGHINI IN MY GARAGE!!!!!!!!!!!1


LOLOLOL

[Blasterpez]

Originally Posted by Jacksmith28

THE BEST JOKE EVER

What is the difference between a Lamborghini and a sack of dead babies?

I DON'T HAVE A LAMBORGHINI IN MY GARAGE!!!!!!!!!!!1


LOLOLOL

Dead baby jokes are dumb. And in poor taste.

[axeman2008]

Originally Posted by Jacksmith28

THE BEST JOKE EVER

What is the difference between a Lamborghini and a sack of dead babies?

I DON'T HAVE A LAMBORGHINI IN MY GARAGE!!!!!!!!!!!1


LOLOLOL

FAIL!

[bevo1981]

i agree. there's nothing worse than punching infants

[axeman2008]

Little Gregory wakes up in the middle of the night feeling alone and
scared. He goes into his mother's room for comfort and he sees his mom
standing naked in front of the mirror. She is rubbing her chest and
groaning, "I want a man, I want a man." Shaking his head in bewilderment,
Gregory takes off to bed. Next night the same thing happens. On the third
night, Gregory wakes up and goes into his mom's room but this time there
is a man in bed with his mom.
Gregory hoofs back to his room and whips off his pajamas, rubs his chest
and groans " I want a bike, I want a bike."

[axeman2008]

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home, dyed her hair, came back again and told the
salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time. A new haircut and new
color, a new outfit, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days
before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV,"
she told the salesman.
"Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

[XabiTorres]

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

[hollywood21639]

What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bricks?

You can't unload the bricks with a pitchfork!!!!