Urgent Press Release All U.s. Citizens Must Read

Eazy_D · 10-01-2007, 11:24 AM

TO: The Citizens of the United States of America

RE: Revocation of your Independence

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U'will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.
Likewise,you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z'(pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh.

You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to ****ney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents? Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2008.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "$hit".

You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium.

Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".

The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From Febuary 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2007) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation

Rt Hon David Blunkett
Home Secretary

Spartan1127 · 10-01-2007, 11:40 AM

Whoever wrote this, is one dirty stupid son of a bit*h. I dont believe what any of this says. Where did you get this from?

10-01-2007, 11:46 AM

BRILLAINT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!

LMFAO!!!!!!!

And even though im not a brit, most of it is the same way we see things here!

Scotracer · 10-01-2007, 11:48 AM

I've read that before it's just amazing.

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!

Eazy_D · 10-01-2007, 11:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spartan1127

Whoever wrote this, is one dirty stupid son of a bit*h. I dont believe what any of this says. Where did you get this from?

I love the way spartan fell off his chair LOL

ReaperMojo · 10-01-2007, 12:07 PM

Your Crazy... LOL

Spartan1127 · 10-01-2007, 12:14 PM

ok ok, u got me
lol

Kona Palangi · 10-01-2007, 01:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eazy_D

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Who would with 3.2 beer? ...... Thank you Wyoming!!!

Grindstone · 10-01-2007, 01:20 PM

Originally it was attributed to Monty Python legend John Cleese, but I see it has grown a little and now has "Rt Hon David Blunkett" attached to it.

Well, whatever the Brits have to do to feel superior again is fine with me. I won't bother with a rebuttal since it'd only start a flame war.

cablekiller · 10-01-2007, 02:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Grindstone

Originally it was attributed to Monty Python legend John Cleese, but I see it has grown a little and now has "Rt Hon David Blunkett" attached to it.

Well, whatever the Brits have to do to feel superior again is fine with me. I won't bother with a rebuttal since it'd only start a flame war.

ROFL!

I'll add a good rebuttal ol' Grindy. American football is superior to "futbol" in every imaginable way.

Tomo · 10-01-2007, 04:39 PM

ROFL Hilarious

remixFA · 10-01-2007, 05:33 PM

hmm.. and i remember recently being called an arrogant american... hmmm.. we once again see that arogance belongs firmly with the BRITS!.

GET OVER IT, YA LOST! hehehe

i do agree w/ a few points though.

1)American TV is controlled by a bunch of 80something "havent had it in 40 yrs, too old for viagra, so im pissed and taking it out on you" wannabe religious DEMOCRAT(suprizingly) superiorists. Replace them all with some drug addicted porn loving 20'somethings and we will have good tv.

2) I would love you to ban all american cars. Just remember American companys also own other companies like JAGUAR,MERCEDES,MAZDA, ect ect.
Yes i realize that mercedes benz actually owns chrysler, therefore they are part american! You want to drive a damn lil Fiat around or anything of the like, you go ahead. Lucky me, i drive Nissans

.. BIG OVERGROWN NISSANS!!

3)In any language, Budwiezer SUX. There is a plant here in jacksonville, and you can smell its nastyness when you get w/in a mile or so.

4) LAY OFF our gas prices. Dont be jealous your OVERTAXING GOVERNMENT has raised 3 or 4 dollars worth of tax in every gallon of your gas. WE AMERICANS tend to revolt when heavily taxed. Just ask your past kings what happends to our tea. Obviously its much easier to SUBDUE you brits... again, why you lost the war... (hey, standing in lines to shoot... is probably a BAD IDEA) muahaha.

5)In America, if you take away our right to shoot eachother for no reason, our therapists, and our lawyers, what will we do? We could go back to the old english tradition of walking 10 paces, turning, and shooting eachother.. oh wait.. you took our guns.. HIPPOCRITS!!

6)Bring your tax collectors.. we still have our guns!

7) our english sux. If you talk to most Americans, we speak AMERICAN.. its you darn brits that keep saying its American English to try to keep making yourselves feel important.

8) WE BEAT YOU, YOU LOST, GET OVER IT!... has that been stressed? Bahaha.. We get called immature in the way we handle things, but were not the ones holding a 200 something year old GRUDGE now are we? God.. I'll buy ya a cup of tea if it will shut ya up. Maybe ill even warm it up for ya.

9) BUSH KILLED JFK. .... ok.. well .. probably not, but ya libbys like to blame him for everything else, so why not this!

10) I personally beleive that beer shouldnt be the nastiest most sour warm and flat creation that you english think it should be. We cant help if we keep improving on your ideas... freedom.. democracy.. whos got the biggest.. beer.. DENTISTRY!!!

11) Speaking of which... you can only take away our guns, if we can force you Brits to go to the frikkin dentist. We promise they dont use wooden teeth anymore! They can even straiten them up and make em white again.

12) Being that brittish tv is more vulgar and more nude.. id still say it sux! The women on alot of your shows I DONT WANT TO SEE NAKED. You complain about our lack of nudity, because we actually cast HOT girls that you would want to see naked.

OK.. im done.. for now...

360rulz · 11-01-2007, 03:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eazy_D

I love the way spartan fell off his chair LOL

i love the failure to note the obvious sarcasm set by the first paragraph, and clarified throughout

also

2) I would love you to ban all american cars. Just remember American companys also own other companies like JAGUAR,MERCEDES,MAZDA, ect ect.
Yes i realize that mercedes benz actually owns chrysler, therefore they are part american! You want to drive a damn lil Fiat around or anything of the like, you go ahead. Lucky me, i drive Nissans .. BIG OVERGROWN NISSANS!!

it's gonna take me 5 months of driving my parents honda pilot to work(eek. nothing against honda, but the transmission pisses me off. you push the gas in and it takes 1-2 seconds for the car to move. give me a nice, cheap, old, manual F150 and im happy) to save up enough for a decent truck($5000ish) and itll be worth every penny. foreign cars dont depreciate enough to be affordable. if i could get one with a plow though, that'd be pretty cool(if not ill just see what it would cost to get one nayways and i could plow driveways for money). no more shoveling the driveway for me lol

but nissans are cool too

you brits are talking about our censorship laws(I do agree with that) yet dont have the the stones to play some real football with the big boys. our football could be alot better if they simply eliminated all pads below the shoulder pads(cups dont count as pads) and made the shoulder pads a little less elaborate, but hey you hit whatever you can, if you got the stones

i've been wanting to learn how to play rugby, but i dont know enough people to get a good game going(and im fat i need the break. however our football will get you into better shape than you realize, i grew 4 inches gained a ****load of muscle and gained 0 pounds last time i played football.) and if you think americans are pussies, you havent been to alaska, if you come here you will think regular mericans are badasses.

and what is with the gun comment? most people here own guns, yet the majority of murders are with knives. nice, native hand made knives.

the tea stuff was pretty funny, but immature. you say we're immature but you're holding a grudge since 1776 when we whooped ya asses(conclusion:japan kicks england's ass. and so does america. they drug us into WWII and we kicked their asses, now we're friends. of course we're friends with england too, they have soldiers fighting alongside ours, which kinda scares me till i remember how completely incompetent the remaining iraqi insurgents are) and if you try anything well do it again. which country is it that with a push of a button could completely flatten the other country and use it as a toxic waste dump again?

Kearney · 11-01-2007, 04:05 AM

"3)In any language, Budwiezer SUX. There is a plant here in jacksonville, and you can smell its nastyness when you get w/in a mile or so."

NO

360rulz · 11-01-2007, 04:29 AM

lol. this thread makes me want to go buy a hummer, escalade, and a navigator. ah hell throw in a few GMC trucks too. with huge subs, dvd players and those hydraulics that make the car bounce. i mean german cars are for pussies, "oh no i felt a bump" come on now is it really worth going from 16K to 36K with the only difference being good ride vs great ride?

Scotracer · 11-01-2007, 05:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 360rulz

i love the failure to note the obvious sarcasm set by the first paragraph, and clarified throughout

also

2) I would love you to ban all american cars. Just remember American companys also own other companies like JAGUAR,MERCEDES,MAZDA, ect ect.
Yes i realize that mercedes benz actually owns chrysler, therefore they are part american! You want to drive a damn lil Fiat around or anything of the like, you go ahead. Lucky me, i drive Nissans .. BIG OVERGROWN NISSANS!!

it's gonna take me 5 months of driving my parents honda pilot to work(eek. nothing against honda, but the transmission pisses me off. you push the gas in and it takes 1-2 seconds for the car to move. give me a nice, cheap, old, manual F150 and im happy) to save up enough for a decent truck($5000ish) and itll be worth every penny. foreign cars dont depreciate enough to be affordable. if i could get one with a plow though, that'd be pretty cool(if not ill just see what it would cost to get one nayways and i could plow driveways for money). no more shoveling the driveway for me lol

but nissans are cool too

you brits are talking about our censorship laws(I do agree with that) yet dont have the the stones to play some real football with the big boys. our football could be alot better if they simply eliminated all pads below the shoulder pads(cups dont count as pads) and made the shoulder pads a little less elaborate, but hey you hit whatever you can, if you got the stones

i've been wanting to learn how to play rugby, but i dont know enough people to get a good game going(and im fat i need the break. however our football will get you into better shape than you realize, i grew 4 inches gained a ****load of muscle and gained 0 pounds last time i played football.) and if you think americans are pussies, you havent been to alaska, if you come here you will think regular mericans are badasses.

and what is with the gun comment? most people here own guns, yet the majority of murders are with knives. nice, native hand made knives.

the tea stuff was pretty funny, but immature. you say we're immature but you're holding a grudge since 1776 when we whooped ya asses(conclusion:japan kicks england's ass. and so does america. they drug us into WWII and we kicked their asses, now we're friends. of course we're friends with england too, they have soldiers fighting alongside ours, which kinda scares me till i remember how completely incompetent the remaining iraqi insurgents are) and if you try anything well do it again. which country is it that with a push of a button could completely flatten the other country and use it as a toxic waste dump again?

Ah, a topic I like

You do know that the US parent companies only give money towards the European car makers? There is very little input other than that.

Why are you complaining about depreciation?! Depreciation is a BAD thing. If you buy a car, new for £15,000 and 3 years later it's worth £6,000...how is that a good thing?

Quote:

Originally Posted by 360rulz

lol. this thread makes me want to go buy a hummer, escalade, and a navigator. ah hell throw in a few GMC trucks too. with huge subs, dvd players and those hydraulics that make the car bounce. i mean german cars are for pussies, "oh no i felt a bump" come on now is it really worth going from 16K to 36K with the only difference being good ride vs great ride?

Trucks are bad cars, simple. You know why? Because they are too big for regular driving, they have awful fuel consumption, they are slow (even though the companies make out they are "performance"), they have barn-door engineered interiors (American's car designers CAN'T make decent interiors. Period.), there engines are...rustic, shall we say and because they aren't classed as cars but as LORRIES (!!!) they don't conform to car safety regulations...that's bad.

Have you ever driven a European car? There is much more to them than "ride". European cars HANDLE (something American's wouldn't know about...) much better than their American counterparts, are better engineered, much better build quality...I could go on. The American creed was always a big engine, loads of power and straight line grunt. That's ok but what happens when you get to a corner? Try learning something from us, your cars might sell in Europe if you do

You probably just think I'm hating on US cars. To a degree I am because I despise them...but for good reason - they are crap.

11-01-2007, 06:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by remixFA

3)In any language, Budwiezer SUX. There is a plant here in jacksonville, and you can smell its nastyness when you get w/in a mile or so.

Spelt budweiser,
Anyway bud is different here then in the states, its alot nicer here trust me. Iv had both and the difference is shocking.

Anyway brits 'beer' aint that great!

We have the best beer Guinness.