The Joke Thread

[FLANKER 5]

Originally Posted by Kona Palangi

Have Flanker tell him a joke.

-1000 for you and charles....hating on my mad comedic skillz

this one is pretty funny though


A man was having sex with his girlfriend and when he was done he threw his used condom out the window.

His girlfriend said she wanted to go again but he didn't have another condom, so he went outside too get the old one.

A dumb blonde was holding it. He said, "Can i have that back."

She said "What this twinkie?"

He said "Ummm yea sure the twinkie."

She said "20 dollars."

So he gave her the money and the blonde gave back the condom and went home.

The blonde's friend asked where did she got the $20 from?

She said, "I sold some guy a twinkie but I ripped him off. I sucked all the cream filling out it before i gave it back."

[Blasterpez]

Originally Posted by Don_Rico

A horse walks in to a bar, and the bartender asks: Why the long face?

Kona may not agree, but classic.

The Elderly Irish Virgin!!!


In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postman) to make proper 'final' arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:

'BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN'

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker-- postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

'RETURNED UNOPENED'

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest Spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'

''I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.


'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling, he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'

I just got this one in an email, it's an old one but still good.

The love story of Ralph and Edna:-

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool
and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news
and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe
belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.

Edna replied, He didn't hang himself - I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?









Mae'r e-bost hwn (ac unrhyw atodiadau) yn gyfrinachol a gall gynnwys barn bersonol nad yw'n farn Ymddiriedolaeth GIG Gofal Iechyd Gwent oni bai fod hynny wedi ei ddatgan yn benodol Os ydych chi wedi ei dderbyn trwy gamgymeriad, dilewch o'ch system, peidiwch a defnyddio, copio na datgelu'r wybodaeth mewn unrhyw fodd. Hysbyswch y sawl a'i anfonodd am y camgymeriad hwn ar unwaith os gwelwch yn dda.

[rabbitc]

Another mental patient joke.


An elderly gentlemen named Frank was admitted to hospital one day suffering from acute adominal pains. After a brief examination, the doctor smiled at Frank and said 'good news, I think it's just a bad case of gas. Take this laxative and you should be fine within the hour.'

Frank swallowed the pill, left the toilet door open and lied back on the bed waiting for the laxative to kick in. After about 10 minutes, he began to drift off to sleep. He awoke sometime later only to discover that he had soiled himself in the bed much to his own disgust. Panicked that the doctor might find out, he leaped out of bed, tore the sheet off the mattress and through it out an open window.

Just then, Benny the mental patient was out for a nice summer's day walk on his day pass when something large, white and heavy fell on top of him from above. After much screaming, punching, kicking and yelling - Benny finally emerged from underneath the sheet covered from head to toe in brown sludge. An orderly who had heard the commotion ran up to Benny and shouted 'Benny, what the hell happened to you???'

Looking down at the sheet and then back the orderly, Benny smiled with pride and said 'Not quite sure, but I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!'

[Blasterpez]

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel
like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she
would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little girl
anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"
“Yes, PaPa" the girl replied,
"And do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy sh*thead anywhere we went today!"

[axeman2008]

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

[axeman2008]

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

[Andyz]

There are four people named Everybody, Somebody, anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.
Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldnt do it.
It ended up that Everybody blaned Somebody for what Anybody could have done.LOL!

[bevo1981]

that joke made my head explode. thank God for reserves

[Andyz]

What do you mean?

[axeman2008]

Originally Posted by Andyz

What do you mean?

He means there were so many everybody nobody etc you can easily forget what the joke was in the first place.

[rabbitc]

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Merseyside Police have just stopped John Arne Riise on the M62. Apparently he was heading in the wrong direction.

[bevo1981]

NBA Eastern Conference playoffs

[Kona Palangi]

Originally Posted by bevo1981

NBA Eastern Conference playoffs

Factruthiness *TM

I've never seen a wedding ring that could plug a hole.

[Blasterpez]

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in Trailer Estates,
a Florida mobile home park. A man walked over and sits down
on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman
asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'


He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'


'So, where were you all these years?'


'In prison,' he says.


'Why did they put you in prison?'


He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'


Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...'

[bevo1981]

too honest

What would Peter Crouch be if he wasn't a professional footballer?..... A virgin