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02-04-2007, 06:13 PM
| #63 (permalink) |
| Staff Writer   Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 5,094    |  The Origins of 7thdeadlysin On a hot, breezy day in June of some particle year a medical miracle had been produced. As both doctors and nurses looked on in disbelief, a child was born with a fully grown mullet. Never has there been such a documented case where a child was born with an immaculate, perfectly trimmed hairstyle before. In itself this could be attributed to the horrendous gene pool this creature was subjected to. However, not only was this child born with a mullet but also a pair of faded jeans ravaged by holes and tears as well as a 1985 AC/DC concert T-Shirt to boot. After a few weeks of intensive research to find the cause of such mutation the child was allowed to leave the hospital and live as a regular new born should. A short time thereafter the infant baby’s parents had decided on a name to call this miracle child. Butt Rocker Crowley (In honor of Aleister Crowley). As Butt Rocker aged he was taken into a dojo owned by the one called “Alex the Fret Burner” (AKA Alex Junglist). Both Alex and Butt Rocker took to each other immediately as Butt adopted Alex as a quasi surrogate father / male role model. After intensive training and many years of attempted mastery Butt Rocker graduated to a level 9 air guitarist with whammy bar skill +9. At age 16 he decided to test his skills which had been honed after sacrificing the majority of his life in practice. The location couldn’t have been more perfect as it was the 1989 Guns & Roses concert. Alex had made sure Butt Rocker was provided with a front row ticket so that he may demonstrate his skills freely. Once positioned and right before the Slash solo, Butt Rocker readied to show the world that he was the grandmaster of the air guitar. As Slash began his solo Butt Rocker engaged and began his air guitar routine with near perfect accuracy and choreography. It seemed surreal as the crowd became utterly silent and crowded to watch this display of never before witnessed air guitar skill. As planned, once the Slash solo came to an end so did Butt Rockers air guitar solo. Then, in a blink of an eye, the crowd turned on Butt Rocker as they tried to light his mullet ablaze! They did so with success as the flames spread out like a mean case of syphilis. Onlookers were shocked with horror as Butt Rockers mullet seemed to be invincible. The heat protruding from his hair was that of molten lava yet his face remained unharmed. Many fans tried in vein to put out the flames of the air guitarist but rather Butt Rocker began head banging his mullet throughout the crowd as if it were the Kratos chains of destruction. Bystanders, fans, and the innocent were all beheaded, burned to death, or suffered severe 3rd degree burns. The Guns & Roses band had already fled the scene although Axl Rose, high on some serious crack **** as well as straight 151, stayed unaware scores of his fans were being slaughtered by Butt Rocker as he continued to sing “Sweet Child O’ Mine”. Alex, knowing that his young protégé had completely lost all control over the true powers of the mullet (which he knew had immense power all along) jumped down from a balcony to confront Butt Rocker. The entire arena emptied as Butt Rocker gazed at Alex the Fret Burner with contempt and hatred. Alex explained that he knew of the mullet powers all along and begged Butt Rocker to relinquish the control his mullet had on him. Butt Rocker, furious that Alex new of his powers all along came charging full speed to annihilate his teacher, friend, and surrogate father / male role model. However, as all teachers will do, he left one secret untold and pulled it out. As Butt Rocker neared so very close to Alex the speakers left over from the concert began to play Kenny G. Butt Rocker’s knees immediately buckled as he came crashing down to the floor. He begged Alex to end the Saxophone solo but Alex new his powers were decreasing every second the song continued to play. Soon after, Butt Rocker lay in a fetal position as Alex, doing what any great grandmaster air guitarist would do, shaved Butt Rockers mullet and immediately bleached it a sandy blonde color. When Butt Rocker awoke he remembered nothing of the entire ordeal as Alex gently explained it to him. Butt Rocker vowed never to grow a mullet again knowing he could not control the powers it held over him. Instead, Butt rocker changed his name to 7thdeadllysin, refused to bathe for 8 days, bought a Nirvana album, and became a filthy grunge fanatic. To this day 7thdeadlysin keeps his hair trimmed short but I must advise you never to put yourself in a position where he may dislike you. Although he vowed never to grow a mullet again what 7th never realized is the power is greater than he anticipated and it is slowly making its way back. When responding to a post or reply to a 7th PM, be sure to be kind and tread carefully. Last edited by Kona Palangi : 02-04-2007 at 06:23 PM. |
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02-04-2007, 11:29 PM
| #64 (permalink) |
| drinks your milkshake  Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 1,982  | Member #1127: Spartan1127  [Top Left: Spartan1127 seen here in one of his usual unsatisfying photos. Photogenic is not the name of his game] Who is Spartan1127? What are his aspirations, his fears? Well as a young, obese boy living in the basement of the local sperm clinic, he had many troubles. First his mother left him for a career as a drug lord in Columbia and his father was executed by Al Gore for not watching "An Inconvenient Truth" twice. Anyways, when Spartan1127 wasn't busy having bursts of laughter, annoying everyone on PX360 with his problems, exhibiting hypochondria, taking dumps in Nike bathroom stalls, scaring large children, or just wondering if every girl near him was in love with him, he was generally just trying to figure out if he could legally buy condoms at the age of 12. Now fast track to 2 weeks ago and he was on his way back home from school pondering the questions of life like: “What is happiness?”; “What is reality?”; “Why is Scotracer a PS3 fanboy?” and so forth. So there he is, simply skateboarding with grace… that is until he ran smack dab right into the local gang called “The Pencil Pushers”, who have became largely known, especially in the tri-state area, for physically pushing their “pencils” into little boys arses. Now, their victims run in the hundreds but what is known is that the most widely reported victims are among people such as Scotracer, RemixFA, and most of all Eazy_D (who I have heard has recently become a member of this gang). Now back to the story at hand, Spartan1127 runs into the gang’s leader and knocks him flat on his ass. The leader, Busta Nut, gets up and says “Yo punk, fo’ sho’ I should beat the s*** out of you right now yo.” Spartan1127 replies, “sorry, I didn’t see you. Say you got any condoms?” The gang leader suddenly realizes the inept moron he is dealing with and replies “What kind of question is that b? Get that sh** out of here!” The gang leader walks away knowing any form of abuse would just add more worthlessness to an already screwed up human being. So, Spartan1127 leaves depressed, hurt, and most of all without a condom; the one thing he wants most. After all his reputation depends on it and that is what he cares about most. He is soo down that he then just drops out of school and moves away from the sperm clinic. I guess he forgot to check the local grocery store for condoms, but stupidity is his middle name. Now, the last reported sighting of Spartan1127 was in a daycare center near Reno, Nevada where he was reportedly arrested for asking toddlers if they quote “had any condoms they could spare.” If you happen to see Spartan1127, don’t greet him -- just run. Last edited by BRUTAL1TY : 03-04-2007 at 01:09 AM. |
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03-04-2007, 01:10 PM
| #67 (permalink) |
| Why soooo serious?  Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 2,523  | The untold origins of EasyD. The year is 1938. In Germany, there are many secretive and inhumane experiments going on beneath the watchful eye of Hitler. One such program is a genetic super soldier program. Back then they did not have the technology as we do today for cloning. Instead, I have been lead to believe by the powers that be, that the genetics involved dipping a human egg into a splotch of toxic waist, placing this egg in a yak, and then inseminating it the old fashioned way. Much to the yak's dismay. They then went back in after a few weeks to pull out the fetuses and placed them in liquid filled jars to see if they would continue growing. Why this was the practice... we may never know. Apparently the success rate of this type of genetic altering was not very high. In fact, like we would expect today, nothing came of it except for a lot of satisfied yaks and a lot of sterile scientists whose penis tips now glowed green from the process. Hitler was not happy about this. He had the scientists put to death and the entrances to the experiment rooms sealed. Fast Forward to 1987. A group of student archeologists named scottracer and shane32Eire come across this sealed door. With the utmost care (and a healthy dose of C4) they manage to carefully remove the barrier. Upon entering the room, they flinch in disgust... well... scottracer flinched in disgust. Shane, for some reason felt... aroused. Scottracer went in the room, and in his normal snooty "I love my ps3 more than your 360" attitude, proclaimed this to be an ancient burial ground of the Celts!!! Shane32Eire knew better, and upon seeing all the molested yak corpses, proclaimed it to be a "roman orgy room, and damn it I missed the party!!” From behind the clearing smoke of the hole where the door once was, a third character, Brutal1ty entered in. "No you liberal morons, this is an old experiment room sanctioned by Hitler himself!" They both looked in dismay at Brut's astounding claim. Brut just calmly pointed to the wall near where the door used to be, where it said in plain German "Hitler's secret experiment room #5". "Oh why would people do such a thing!" yelped Scott. "This room gives me funny feelings... Scott hold me, I need comforting" whined Shane. They shared a hug... and it wasn’t even of the manly kind. Upon further discovery into the rooms, Brutal1ty found a shelf full of jars filled with liquid. Many of them held what looked to be some kind of fetuses. They almost looked human in some respects, except they had slightly longer necks. The 3 archeologists gathered up everything they could and took it back to the lab. Back at the lab, they placed all the filled jars on the counters. Brutal1ty went home for the evening to watch fox news. Shane and Scott stayed behind to finish unpacking and cataloging. Later that evening, Shane decided to open the jars "in the name of science" The jars opened smelled like a combination of 60 yr old yak butt, lubricant, and something like sulfur. Scott bet Shane 50 bux that he wouldn’t drink it. Well, let’s just say Scott owes Shane money now. Scott grabbed a scalpel. "Lets cut one up!" he scoured, as he put a fetus on the table, "lets see what his insides are made of!!” Shane replied "you cut; I'm going to nuke this one! It already has a glow to it, lets see if a microwave helps it!", as he picked up the only fetus that had a slight glow to it, and whipped it into the industrial sized microwave they had in the facility. 49 seconds into the cooking process... something happened. The microwave started to pop and short out. "DUCK MYLOVE" Scott said to Shane, as they both dove under the table. The microwave started to bend and buckle and expand like a bag of popcorn heating up. The glass front of the microwave shattered and was flung across the room dusting the place with glass particles. A few seconds later, all was silent, all was still. Shane and Scott loosened their death grip on each other enough to peer above the table to see what transpired. What they saw will forever scar them. The horror, the inhumanity!! Wait... why was Shane getting aroused again?! It was tall and gangly. It looked something like a human, but its neck was longer and it smelled like a yaks butt. But yet, it was docile. It also had another feature. One of prominence... a very long... thin... manpart that glowed green at the tip. It was almost like spaghetti but like 3 feet long. Now I think we know why Shane was aroused! "It’s so... long... so... bright green!!! Can we keep it Scott?!?!” Shane said while batting his eyes at Scott. "Well, I dunno, he doesn’t look like he likes the PS3, and you know what happened last time you had a pet that didn’t like Home!” Scott said. "SS..sss..ooony...... rrrrruuuuulessssth" muttered the gangly beast with the glowing parts. "OK, we can keep it" touted Scott, "but what should we call it?!" "oh, let me sleep on it Scotty, ill let ya know in the morning", chirped Shane.  The next morning, Scott woke up and Shane was already up cooking breakfast. As Scott went into the kitchen, he realized shane's mouth had a green glow to it and got rightly mad. "But it was soooo easy, he was like begging for it w/ them big puppy dog eyes. It really was an easy D..." started Shane. "Stop right there Shane before I really get mad and send you to that horrid place called America!! Well, that sounds like a fun name though... Easy D.. kind of fitting considering what you 2 did on his first night alive!" As the weeks went by, Scott was not able to get passed what Shane had done, and ended up having EasyD sent to the evil empire of America to live among the inbreds! EasyD had gotten a job as a sideshow doing tricks with his long glowing spaghetti like appendage. For some reason it was particularly popular with the ecstasy crowds at night.  After doing a few appearances on talk shows and some private shows in Hollywood and San Francisco, EasyD had saved up a few bux for some plastic surgery to change his appearance to something less.. hideous. Unfortunately, he could only afford a black market surgeon. At least this one was famous. He was the same surgeon that fixed The Joker's face after his fall in toxic waste.Something went wrong during the surgery. I don’t know if the surgeon was drunk or high on something ,but he came out looking worse than he did already. What’s worse is he cut off his man parts thinking it was spaghetti with a lime sauce, and ate it. EasyD tried in vain to regain his old life. It never materialized. Last time we heard from Easy, he was wrapping up a failed children’s show titled "I love boy scouts". Here is the last known pic of him.  If you see him, please remind him that some of the children are still missing their boy scout uniforms they were wearing when they went to the show and would like them back. |
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03-04-2007, 01:22 PM
| #68 (permalink) | |
| Staff Writer Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 5,094 | Quote:
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04-04-2007, 02:48 PM
| #69 (permalink) |
| drinks your milkshake Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 1,982 | HAHAHA! I love this story Remix... "they shared a hug and it wasn't even of the manly kind." ROFL! "As Scott went into the kitchen, he realized shane's mouth had a green glow to it and got rightly mad. "But it was soooo easy, he was like begging for it w/ them big puppy dog eyes. It really was an easy D..."" PRICELESS |
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06-04-2007, 05:36 AM
| #72 (permalink) | |
| Xbox 360 Freak  Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,143  | Quote:
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